Fractures.

I have a gas bill I haven’t paid in months. Due to a mixup, we were charged double for our gas over the summer, and it’s been my job to resolve it. But I haven’t, because I just don’t like to think about it.

I have a thank-you card that’s been waiting for months to be sent, but I don’t have the right address. Now I’m so ashamed to admit it to myself that I can’t bring myself to think about it, so I never take action to get the address. So I never send it.

I have a letter I received two years ago which I still haven’t opened. I think I know what’s inside, and it’s important to me. I’ve been waiting for a big moment. But the moment never came, and now, two years later, I can’t imagine a moment big enough to be worth all the wait. When I think about it, my face gets hot, and I push it out of my mind.

These things hold a great deal of power over me. They are fractures in my integrity. Any time I make myself a promise, any time I aspire to do something great, these things remind me that I’m a failure. That I have a terrible secret. That I’m unwhole.

Today, I am taking a stand. I will resolve each of these fractures. I will finish one each week, and in three weeks, I will be healed. To strengthen that commitment, I will begin to resolve this week’s fracture immediately.

I gave these things power. I gave away my power to them, and only I can take it back.

Maybe you can’t wait to do the same.

2 Responses to “Fractures.”

  1. Erin says:

    This kind of thing happens to me all the time. It is awesome that you decided to deal with your fractures. Sometimes I am too scared to deal with mine, no matter what inspiring things my friends say or do.

  2. Peter says:

    It’s a tough cycle, isn’t it? The decision to fix it has to be your decision. The key, I think, is self-forgiveness. When you can forgive yourself for putting things off, there’s no need to be ashamed, just some cleanup to do. It’s also the hard part.